Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
