i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
