I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
