I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
