There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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