The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
