just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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