so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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