I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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