Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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