There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
