dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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