I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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