Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
