you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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