I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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