remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
