I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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