I want you more than these girls want KFC
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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