So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
