I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he fucked my hip out of place.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
