I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
