You're so nebulous sometimes
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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