i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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