i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
