I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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