I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
