is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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