my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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