Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
