Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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