i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
