I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
