I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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