I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
