one might say we're banned from that church
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he was CRYING into my vagina
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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