Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
