Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Randomize
