Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
