In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
