I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my shit smells like andre
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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