his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Randomize