Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
