he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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