Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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