Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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