My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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