when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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