I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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