i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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