you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
