If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
