she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
