I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
vagina is talking i cant
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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