How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
