In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
