so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
