I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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