and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
