I must be too annoying 4 u.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
