i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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