Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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