i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
