He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
